Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What does this shit keep happening?

Why does this shit keep happening?

I'm perplexed. About what you ask? About anything and everything. I'm tired. I can't get my caloric intake up to par. I will see progression in my training every 6-8 weeks and then for some reason I think I should see another growth of improvement 2-3 weeks later. This ends up leaving me disappointed and the desire to go out and push myself harder and harder, which if you know anything about me has a negative effect on my training and puts me in the downward spiral of over training. I don't think I've hit that wall again, not yet but I can see it on the horizon. My mileage is ramping up, a lot. I'm still trying to get in some kind of speed work. I have this "want" to be great, not just good, not average but great and I want to see it now. Why can I not eat enough? I'm looking through my nutrition log and double and triples workout days I am eating 8-10 times. That is a whole lot of food. My tummy feels full yet my energy stores are on the verge of empty. Ugh, this is so frustrating. And once again I am feeling all alone. I really enjoy going out with my friends….but at what expense? I can't/don't want to give up my training time. I don't want to drink and party the night away. Ok, who am I kidding? I do want to but my health can not afford it. I can't possibility seek the gains I want and toxify my body at the same time. I am missing out on life while I am training, yet at the same time I feel like I'm making the most of my life training. Is this a catch 22? Am I stuck in a vortex? I'm unhappy today…I'm fatigued and my mental stability is not high. I'm starting to notice this happening once every 4-6 weeks, it's becoming a trend. I don't think I'm giving myself enough recovery days. I get in this damn cycle of weeks on end with only one day off. I think every 3-4 weeks I need to take 2 days a week off. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Tonight I have a 34 mile bike ride planned. I don't want to do it. I may just go home and take a nap instead… motivation is gone : (

This weekend has me torn. I was invited to go out to Hood River and spend Sat-Mon with team mates and friends….but we have a 50/10 brick on Saturday morning which I'm sure is going to deplete all my energy stores. I really enjoy spending time with the team but I honestly think it would be best if I stayed home this weekend. I feel like I will be missing out on a whole lot of fun….but if I'm tired I won't end up having fun anyway and there I don't want my black cloud glooming over anyone else.

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