Monday, January 17, 2011
I think most people don't understand the value of self confidence. I don't think I ever understood the value until recently.
I lacked a lot of confidence growing up. I think this was due to moving around a lot. I was never at any school long enough to build long friendships. I was a fugly kid. There was a reason that in 4th grade my nick name was "marshmallow" - I looked just like one. A fat little blonde girl shaped like a stumpy, soft rectangle. My self image needed a lot of work.
I left home early and was pretty much thrown to the wolves in my mid-teens. This is where my self confidence was formed. When I hit the bottom of a well I had no where to look but up. Stone by stone I climbed myself out. I could only rely on myself. And how can we let ourself down?
With each obstacle I over came grew a seed of confidence. Reflecting back on my past I should have been one of many statistics. If I would have accepted the life that was thrown at me I'd probably have a dozen or more children, have a heavy drug abuse problem, be on welfare, a victim to physical violence and just over all F***ed up. For many years I didn't think I would ever make it to 25, let alone my 30s.
Anywho - what doesn't kill us (literally) makes us stronger. And I became STRONG. My strength came from knowing myself. High integrity, discipline and what I believe are good ethics had me climbing to the top. I climbed in my career. I grew a huge circle of friendships - long lasting. I soared in volunteer work. I excelled in physical sports. I WAS self confident.
Then a hard year came around. Probably one of my hardest to face since I was a teenager. In my opinion it may have been the scariest. Dealing with health problems that destroyed my goals and would change my life forever. It was all out of my control. Having no control and massive amounts of fear slowly ate away my confidence. Month after month I felt like I was chipped away. Until I hit bottom......alas, the well.
I'm not sure when it hit me. I think it may have been the last week....or two. Or maybe even last month when I was sick for 3-4 weeks. Who am I to sit at the bottom of the well staring down? I can't dig my way out. I'm not going any further down into the hole. I have started to climb. To reach out for the next stone and pull myself out of this hole or wishing well. I am NOT weak. I still have my integrity, discipline and ethics. My health may have changed but my values have remained the same. I am strong. I am confident. I WILL be back racing for 2011. For those that have believed and supported me - Thank You. I will not let my self confidence run astray ever again. It is time to start moving mountains.
"Do not follow where the path my lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."