Sunday, August 15, 2010

The Case Of The Ex

Or maybe a case of divorces.
I for one have no first hand experience - Thank God. But I have met/supported more people either going through a divorce or "recovering" from one than need be. What a nasty war to get involved in. That being said I have had my share of long term toxic relationship bs. I was in a 6 year and 3 year steady relationship at two points of time in my life. Asked to be married? Yes. Never accepted. I'm not sure if I believe in endless love from someone that's not a blood relative. I have no desire to ever marry a cousin - in case that crossed your mind. I do think you can have love for someone without being in love with them as this was the case for ex# 1 and ex# 2. Both break ups IMO were completely f***ed up....but NOTHING compared to those I have seen go through divorce. That little legal piece of paper sure holds a lot over people. The most common thing I see from people going through these hardships is their willingness and ease to put the blame on the other person. I see it as a two way street. I think if more people were accountable for their feelings then the process would go through quicker w/less conflict. But then again people are drawn to drama. So maybe we create our own. On the other hand one may be mature and the other may not and then it's a lose/lose situation. I know during my failed relationships some type of abuse was taken or received. Was it their fault for dishing it? Or my fault for accepting? We can only be accountable for ourselves...not others.

I have spent the last 4 years single. Well ok...honestly 15 months out of those 4 years being single (I'm counting in the 9 month dating w/training sabbatical I go on every year - except for this one). Over this time I have been able to cut out all the crap from my long term relationships. I know who I am and I know what I want. The problem with this is I took sooooooo long to figure this out that I'm now old. And everyone I meet is old and they all have the divorce now I get to deal with everyone's toxic crap. Am I the only person that thinks you should take time off and rediscover you before falling for the next best thing?

And the endless question - does endless love exist?
I'm highly skeptical....but I do have a few (very few) good examples in my life that I can look up to. My grandpa being one. The last 10 years of my nanana's life she suffered through strokes. The woman couldn't do a thing for herself. My grandpa unselfishly took care of her. From dying her fiery Irish hair red, putting her make up on and making her feel like a woman to taking care of her and her 4 children forever...until she passed. That was true love. Maybe it's ancient history.


Chad said...

People jump from divorce to dating quickly, because they are used to companionship. They are eager to apply the hard lessons they just learned. If you just escaped a relationship that wasn't a good fit, you probably have a fresh image of what the right relationship should look like. Anyway, the world is full of beautiful people with complicated (toxic?) pasts. We are not Disney.

ian said...

For some reason (in my admittedly limited sample size) people in the west seem to marry younger I noticed this when I lived in Montana for grad school and in Utah when I was a ski instructor last winter. (Although that was probably just because they were a bunch of mormons).

All of my friends (I'm 29) are all getting married now. I'm in 3 weddings next year. Including my best friend since 4th grade which is kind of a trip since we grew up together and hit every milestone at the same time almost but now hes getting married and well haha a looong way off for me.

I think it was probably a good idea I did not get married at a young age because well...who the hell knows what they want when they are 22?

Kit Kat said...

But I want my Aladdin :(

n8 soul said...

Ah yes Aladdin and the magic lamp, go for the lamp :)